I can't remember the first time I envisioned my own wedding--or if I ever did. Growing up in a household where marital warfare was more common than eating together just didn't seem to be a conducive environment for me to be thinking about marriage. But I did make dresses out of blankets secured by clothespins, so I guess my childhood wasn't so bland. It was a rite of passage, but one that gave me a scar on the left side of my cheek. (Thankfully, it has faded through time and religious application of Cebo de Macho.)

But anyway, weddings. The more I am exposed to the oftentimes unnecessary extravagance, the more I fall for the idea of an elopement or an intimate wedding. Having more than fifty guests would just be too much for me, but that would probably just be half of my side of the family, so...

By eight am I was already in the hotel lobby, casually jealous of the people enjoying their breakfast buffet but also feeling accomplished. I was the first in my team to arrive and this meant being spared from buying coffee for everyone as a penalty for being late. This also gave me time to mentally and physically prepare myself for today. You'll never really know what you're getting yourself into until you're halfway through the day and you just want to pass out cold on the floor. The first time I assisted in a wedding was a little over two months ago and I swore I would never do it again. And yet...

The renewal of vows was at Molo Church, whose aisle is the longest in Iloilo City. The running joke is it's long enough to give the bride plenty of time to mull things over, and especially to swerve before she reaches the altar.

I was setting up place cards on the first few rows and couldn't help but glance up to the altar. I felt like I should be feeling something, but instead I felt foolish (then a bit guilty, and ultimately, irritably confused). What really am I missing here? was the recurring question as I finished up what I was doing. It was a difficult thing to process, honestly. I felt out of place.

Just before the entourage arrived, I was requested to transfer to the wedding facilitated by the other team. They needed an extra hand since the number of expected guests for that one was almost five-hundred. I already got tired just by knowing that.

It was at Jaro Cathedral and by the time the ceremony was starting, the place was packed. It was exhausting to look at, and facilitating it was even more so. 

Doing things for my so-called career has a certain way of making me want to drop to the floor, hold my knees close to my chest, and rock back and forth just until the feeling dissipates. But it never really does. If I'm lucky, it just turns into an altogether different kind of dread. It has become an inside joke among me and my friends--our imagined immediate reaction to anything that agonizes us. Rock back and forth, remove your earrings and put them back again, think of every single failure you've committed, think of yourself as a failure, try breathing exercises and give up five seconds in. Pretty much the reason why I'm like this.

I was scheduled for an interview today. I fell asleep while revising my resume last night so of course I had to cram everything hours before. It was like college all over again, except with an intensified sense of apprehension.

Thankfully I got up earlier than usual so Jett and I had the time to have breakfast at Monkey Grounds, which is this hip cafe reputed for its healthy meal choices--meaning food I don't normally eat.


This was my meal. I didn't even dare touch that bowl of greens.


And this was Jett's. I'll forever be envious of people who can drink coffee on an empty stomach.


So the interview went well, or at least I think it did. I wanted to withdraw my application halfway through it, though. I wanted to just pack up and leave, say sorry I don't think I can actually do this please hire that guy instead--but thankfully I didn't do that. I wore my only pair of heels for this, for fuck's sake. I'm not letting that bit of effort go to waste.

I was riddled with uncertainty afterward, but not about whether or not I'll be hired. It has more to do with this attemp to enter the corporate world fully knowing that I did not prepare myself (in many aspects) for this. I'm still trying to make sense of it, or at least comfort myself with the idea that by working in here, in Iloilo, I will be able to minimize my expenses, actually spend time with people I care about, et cetera. Still, this familiary is more exhausting than encouraging. I can only hope for the tables to turn soon enough.

For now, I'm choosing stay. The idea of moving out and setlling down in a new place has always been my kind of fantasy but no matter how far my grand ideations of independent living may wander, practicality and the bitter reality always pull me back into this godforsaken (but tolerable and occassionally lovable) place. I became tethered to its formidable significance (and very sadly so) since I started earning my own (meager, but my own) money and when Isza and I went around the city looking for apartments. Who knew a dingy apartment could cost so much!!!

I stopped asking my parents for allowance exactly since graduation day. It was an underwhelming event and that is an altogether different story, but let's just say it felt empty. It probably had to do with the tasteless venue. But at least, and this is my only consolation, I'm a graduate now. A graduate with a constantly dwindling money, that is.

I've been actively looking for a job since I realized my current monthly earning isn't even enough to cover my daily expenses (and the copious amount of coffee and other unnecessary stuff I buy out of habit and impulsiveness, mostly). Which sucks, because I actually enjoy my job since it mostly involves being in front of my laptop and working with really creative people. I've been in a cycle of post-interview panic and post-interview anxiety in the past few weeks. If anything, it made me realize how much I cower during formal, face-to-face interactions.

I'm currently waiting for a response from a company I actually would like to work for, but only on account of how it's going to help me with my long-term goal of starting a business. I'm staying for this and I hope I made the right choice, or at least the one that makes the most sense.